Warning: You are about to to witness a rant from a frustrated bride. Take cover...and find some chocolate.

I know my family and friends mean well when they make suggestions to me about the wedding, but I'm tired of people commenting about money. They ask if I know how expensive weddings are. I'm the bride. No one knows better than I do how expensive weddings are.

I found a matching flower girl basket and ring bearer pillow set that I just adored. When I told my aunt about it, she said, "I could have made that." That basket and pillow were such a milestone to me because they were my first purchase for the wedding, and I was so excited because my dreams were finally coming true. Why couldn't she just be happy for me?

I've been going back and forth with my in-laws-to-be over the reception. Yesterday, I was having Mother's Day lunch with my fiance and his parents, and his dad starts lecturing us about the wedding. I want a sit-down dinner in a nice reception hall. They think we should have cake and punch in the church fellowship hall and let friends and family take pictures instead of hiring a professional photographer. In short, Danny's dad thinks we should be frugal.

Frugal? This is my wedding we're talking about. This is not just some party. This is not some church function. It's my wedding. The day that I marry the man I love. This is the day I've longed for and prayed for since I was a little girl. This is the day that I thought would never come. It's the only wedding I ever plan on having. I have dreams for my wedding that I'm not going to sacrifice for frugality's sake.

If I hear the word frugal one more time, I'm going to scream.

More importantly, I'M THE ONE PAYING FOR IT! Please do not tell me how to spend my own money. Don't tell me to buy a white dress off the rack and wear that as my wedding dress. Don't tell me to hire the church orchestra to play for the reception. Don't tell me to have a potluck reception. Don't tell me that Hawaii is an expensive place to honeymoon.

Don't tell me because I already know.

I'd love to have my reception at the Renaissance Hotel, but I can't afford it. I'd love for Keith Cephus to be my photographer, but he's way out of my budget. I'm seriously considering going with silk flowers instead of real flowers because I can save money there.

Everytime you tell me how expensive something is, you remind me of the parts of my dream that I can't fulfill because I can't afford them. Don't deny me the parts of my dream that I can afford.

So, the next time I show you something I've bought for the wedding, do me one favor. Smile and say, "Ooh, they're so pretty." Even if you think it's the ugliest darn thing you've seen in your life.

I think there are some things that are still sacred. There are some things that just need to stay private. In this age of cell phones, people can reach you literally anywhere. I think people have failed to see that a cell phone is a convenience, not an obligation. There are times when it's not prudent to answer the phone. To paraphase, "Sometimes we do need to fail to communicate. Some people should not be reached."

 

I'm talking about the bathroom. Why, oh, why do people answer the phone when they're in the john? I've noticed this at my office. On several occasions, people will either answer the phone in the bathroom or initiate a phone conversation while they're using the facilities.

 

That's just nasty. The person on the other end of the line does not need to know that you are taking care of your business. And it's not like you can hide it. Some cell phone microphones are very powerful.

 

It is also awkward for me as a fellow bathroom patron. If I flush, then your conversation partner will automatically know where you are. In addition, if you are having a heated discussion, I'm a captive audience and can't help but overhear it. Again, it's awkward coming out of the stall after I heard you rip your best friend's boyfriend to shreds or complain about your husband not helping with housework. Am I supposed to console you because you just found out a friend has been killed in the line of duty?

 

Moreover, I'd like to handle my business in peace and privacy. I feel violated when you bring an outsider into the situation.

 

Please, I beg you, turn off the cell phone when you go potty. That's why God invented voice mail.

On Sunday morning, I played with my church's woodwind ensemble during the Fellowship breakfast. The wife of our saxophone player took pictures of us. On Monday, I saw the photos. One of the photos was a full body shot of me. As I held the picture in my hand, tears welled up in my eyes. I had no idea I was that large. I looked like a blob. How on earth could my boyfriend be attracted to me when I looked like that?

 

I know my weight, and I know it's a big number, but still I don't see myself as being a big person. I think I have the opposite of anorexia. Anorexics can weigh 99 lbs and look in the mirror and see a 200 lb person. I am well over 200 lbs, but I see myself as smaller. However, that picture is evidence that I can't live in denial anymore. I am big, and I have to lose this extra weight.

 

My eyes are tearing up now as I write this because the truth is I hate that person in the picture. The camera did lie because that's not the real Temesha. Not inside. That's a Temesha that let herself go on the outside because of disappointments and heartbreaks.

 

I don't want to be that Temesha in the picture anymore. 

 

And yet, I still struggle with my weight loss. I only loss .4 this week. I am glad it is a .4 loss and not a .4 gain, but I feel like I wasted an opportunity. I would like to see at least a 1 lb loss each week, ideally 2 lbs. I know what I did wrong. I didn't track my points carefully and probably over indulged at a couple of Christmas parties. Also, I was battling a cold this week and didn't exercise as much as I should have.

 

As much as I hate that picture, as much as I want to cry, scream, stomp, and rip it up, I'm going to keep it.

 

In Weight Watchers this week, we talked about anchors. They are images, charms, or symbols that remind us of why we are losing weight. That picture is going to be an anchor for me. It will fuel me to keep going when I feel weak. Because the real Temesha is somewhere inside of that woman in the picture, and it's time for her to shine through. 

I had my first weigh-in at Weight Watchers today. I lost 2.4 lbs!

 

It felt good to see a loss, but I also had a NSV (non-scale victory). Last Monday, I tried on the cocktail dress that I bought to wear to a wedding at the end of this month. I could get it on, but I couldn't zip it up. On Sunday night, my boyfriend called me up to invite me to his company's Christmas party. I scrambled to find something to wear, and on a whim, I decided to try the dress again. I was able to zip it this time! It's still tight in the stomach area, but I got it on. By the wedding, it should fit even better.

 

Now the fun part. Here are my updated stats:

 

 

Once again, I have decided to embark on the journey to lose my excess weight. I've battled my weight for most of my life, but I am finally ready to be free of this problem for once and for all. I hope by blogging my experience and being very candid about my weight and my struggles, it will motivate me to stay on this path. And, if losing weight has been difficult for you, I pray reading my blog will inspire you as well.

 

I will be tracking my weight, measurements, body fat percentage, BMI, and dress size. I will report on my weight weekly and my dimensions monthly. But most importantly, I'll be reporting on changes I've experienced in my thinking because I believe you've got to win the weight loss battle in your head first.

 

So, first of all, why do I want to lose weight? Well, I'm sick of being fat. Yeah, fat. Do you know how hard it is to admit to myself that I'm fat? I can handle words like plus-sized, full-figured, queen size, and my personal favorite, voluptuous. But fat is an ugly word. It hurts me as much as the n-word and the c-word. I remember crossing the street in Seattle a few years ago. A little boy behind me kept saying, "Hurry up, fat lady." I wanted to break down and cry when I realized he was talking about me. If he said it, it must true. Little kids like that always speak the truth. That was a turning point for me. I couldn't hide behind denial anymore. I am fat, and I have to change.

 

My biggest motivator for losing weight is that I don't want to contract diabetes. My grandmother was on dialysis and died because of diabetes, and my mom has had massive strokes and suffered two stillbirths because of diabetes. Diabetes ain't happening here! The best way to deal with diabetes is to prevent it from happening, and the best way to do that is diet and exercise. On another health note, my mom has also had breast cancer (poor Mom!), and reducing my weight will also reduce the risk of me getting it. Of course, I am also constantly praying that God will protect me from diabetes and breast cancer, but I realize I need to do my part too.

 

Another related reason for losing weight is simply that I want to live a long time. I'm hoping to still be alive when Jesus comes back, so I need to get the weight off to ensure longevity.

 

I also want to have more energy. At 32, I'm still relatively young, but I am not very active. I know women in their 50's and even 90's that have more energy than I do. Some of the older ladies at my church just got back from a mission trip to Chile. I honestly don't know if I have the physical endurance to sustain such a trip.

 

Finally, I want to lose weight because I have a wonderful man that I'm hoping to spend the rest of my life with. Allow me to be purely vain for a minute, but I want to be a beautiful bride! I want the audience to gasp at my beauty when I walk down the aisle. I want to see awe and pride in my husband-to-be's eyes. It's my day. I'm the center of attention, so I don't want to wear a plus-size wedding gown, and I don't want my bridesmaids upstaging me in their slimmer gowns. Also, my boyfriend and I are thinking about going to Hawaii for our honeymoon, and I want to look good in my bathing suit. Lastly, when we have children, I want to have the energy to keep up with them.

 

I've experienced a lot of ups and downs (weight and all!) over the last five years, but I can say my life is good right now. The only negative thing is my weight, but the good news is that it is completely within my control to change it.

 

So now's the moment of truth. Here are my stats and my goals:

 

 

The longest relationship I have ever been in has ended. My dearly loved Camry met an untimely end this weekend while I was driving up to West Virginia for a camping trip.

 

I was on 64 W, not too far from my destination, when I noticed smoke coming out of the hood. At first I thought it was steam and that the car was overheated, so I pulled over to the shoulder to give the car a rest. The smoke was coming out even heavier, so I called for Roadside Assistance. While I was on the phone with the operator (mind you I was still in the car), the front of the car burst into flame. I managed to grab my purse and cell phone, and jump out and call 911.

 

A nice truck driver came running over with a fire extinguisher, but the flames went up too fast for him to put it out, so he had to give up. I watched in agony while my car, my baby burned. I had also just filled up the car with gas, so I feared the car would explode if the fire department didn't hurry. They finally showed up, and put the fire out, but too much damage was done. The car was a total loss and towed to a local mechanic.

 

I was able to get back home by renting a car from Avis. I am very grateful to the people of Becklely, WV that helped me out. They even put me on their 11 o'clock newscast!

 

I had ten good years with my Camry. We have been many places together. When I was consultant, I spent more time in my car than in my apartment, so she will be dearly missed.

 

Rest in peace, Camry

Steve Irwin was killed today when a stingray's barb punctured his chest. Sources say Irwin likely died instantly.

I was expecting today to be a normal Labor Day, but I woke up to this news. I didn't personally know the Crocodile Hunter, but I enjoyed watching his programs on Animal Planet. Irwin was a controversial figure, labeled a child abuser at worse and a buffoon at least.

To me, he was simply an entertaining personality who clearly loved the work he did. My heart breaks for his wife and children. I can't imagine what they must be going through.

 Rest in peace, Steve.

Happy 29th Birthday to my cousin Carla, who was born on the exact day that Elvis died.

Several years ago, I was in Barnes and Noble when I had a strange experience. I was walking down an aisle and made eye contact with a guy walking towards me. The guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me for a minute. I didn't think much of it, so I kept walking.

 

I went to browse some books in the writing section. The same guy showed up later and stood right next to me. He pretended to be browsing books, but he didn't say anything, so I ignored him. I grabbed a couple of books and took the last available seat at a table. I pretended to read as I watched this guy pass my table not once, not twice, but five times!

 

By the fifth time he walked by, it was obvious he was interested in me, but I wasn't sure about the nature of his interest. Was he extremely shy or a stalker? He was making me feel very uncomfortable, so I was leaning towards the stalker side. Besides, I had a boyfriend at the time who I was about to pick up from the airport.

 

Even though the guy gave me the creeps, I still wonder what would have happened if he had just said hello. Could he have been the one? Did I dodge a serial killer? Or maybe I just missed the opportunity to make a new friend.

 

I had a similar experience a few days ago, though not to the previous extreme. Again, I was in Barnes and Noble, and I noticed one particular guy seemed to appear in every section I browsed. Though not as scary as the first guy, he still did not say hello. So, again I am left wondering what could have been, and I'm kicking myself for not saying hello either.

 

The moral of the story is just smile and say hello. Not because you may make a romantic connection, but because it's the polite thing to do.  

 

Yes, I know I have not updated this site in ages. Work has been extremely crazy. We have gone to a 6-day work schedule   in our final push to deploy our application on August 28th.

 

I also have not updated because I am not sure what direction I want to go in with this blog. I don't know if I want to keep discussing random topics that come to me or focus on a single topic like television or religion. (I'm leaning towards TV, especially with the new season starting soon, but I would love to hear your opinions.)

 

Anyway, I'll be back in September.  Stay tuned!

 

Since my original plans for the holiday season fell through, I spent the time immersed in Lost. I re-watched most of the Season 1 and Season 2 episodes, and I’ve been scanning some of the forums. I also came across a couple of great podcast sites. I previously mentioned Lostcasts. I also found one called The Transmission.  There is also an official ABC podcast. Also, I found a good forum at The Fuselage, the official site of the Lost Creative Team.  I even picked up The Official Companion Book. Finally, I found some spoilers..

 

My research of the above sites has yielded the following tidbits. Enjoy!

 

1. Hurley owns the box company that Locke works for (see “Numbers”). Apparently after the meteor hits Mr. Cluck’s, Hurley gives his former boss a job at the box company. That former boss is a guy named Randy, the same guy who is Locke’s boss in “Walkabout.”

 

2. The whispers that Shannon and the other survivors hear before Shannon gets shot in “Abandoned” are Boone saying things like “Dying sucks” and “Hello, Sis.” Now that’s just down right creepy!

 

3.  The scene showing the Others’ feet is very reminiscent of a scene in Disney’s “Peter Pan.” Maybe this is not all that much of a clue, but just a shout-out to ABC’s parent company.

 

4. Some fans are speculating that Libby is the American woman that is engaged to the Sun’s matchmaker date. Personally, I think that’s a stretch, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true.

 

5. The candy bars in the storage room are “Apollo Bars.” There is a system of constellations called Apollo. One of the constellations in the system is “Cygnus the Swan”. Station 3 is also called “The Swan.” The other Dharma symbol we have seen so far had an arrow, and another constellation in Apollo is “Sagitta the Arrow.” If this theory is true look for stations called “The Crow” (Corvus), “The Goblet” (Crater), “The Snake Handler” (Ophiuchus), and “The Hunter” (Orion).

 

6. The fans are also speculating that Locke’s dad is the original Sawyer. I’m not so sure about this one. I think people want there to be a link between every character, and this is the only plausible way to link Locke and Sawyer. But Locke’s dad did say to Locke, “Do you think you were my first con?”

 

7. The producers have said that we will not see Rose and Bernard’s back story this season, but it is a very real possibility for Season 3. Dang, I am dying for a Rose/Bernard back story. They are two of my favorite characters.

 

8. Some fans say that Jin’s resume in “…And Found” has the date 2009 on it! The producers have later said that was a “prop error.” Yeah, right.

 

9. Of all the theories I have heard, the most plausible one is that the island is another “Philadelphia Experiment.” Check out Wikipeidia's description of the Philadelphia Experiment. Also see the related Montauk Project. The neat thing to note about the Montauk Project is that it involves an “alien monster” and Bigfoot.

 

10.  Finally, a producer was quoted as saying “They are all guilty.” Oh, the possibilities…

01. Develop stronger relationship with God.

02. Develop stronger relationships with family and friends.

03. Devote more time to prayer and Bible study.

04. Devote more time to creative writing.

05. Exercise at least four times a week.

06. Eat more healthy.

07. Cook at home more.

08. Get at least one .NET certification.

09. Save money.

10. Do some enhancements on the house.

11. Do some enhancements on the car.

12. Train the dogs.

13. Blog more frequently.

 

P.S. Microsoft needs to fix their birthday calculations software. I'm not 31, yet!

Well, it's the last day of 2005, so I thought I would post. One of my New Year's Resolutions is definitely to post more often.

 

I've been on vacation from work since the 23rd, and it's been great. I've been catching up on some reading and immersing myself back into "Lost" lore. 

 

I found a great site called Lost Casts. It's a site with podcasts put together by three Lost fans. The podcasts are pretty good. The guys go into some theory about the island and they provide some spoilers about upcoming episodes. Definitely worth checking out...

 

Well, 2005 is almost over, and I'm glad. 2005 wasn't as rough as 2004, but still I'm ready to ring out the old and ring in the new.

 

Happy New Year, everyone.

My precious Grandmother went home to be with the Lord today. Her passing was unexpected but she was surrounded by family. We are all in shock, but we are comforted in knowing she is no longer suffering from diabetes. Please keep my family and me in your prayers.

Jack: At first glance, the title of this episode seemed to refer to the tension between Jack (“Man of Science”) and Locke (“Man of Faith”). The teaser for episode 2.3 also seems to indicate this. However, I wonder if this title might also refer to Jack’s internal struggle. Even from the pilot episode, I sensed that Jack was uncomfortable playing the leader role. As Hurley said, his bedside manner sucks. He’s used to dealing in facts, not feelings.

 

I liked seeing how he met Sarah. What I’m not clear about is this: Did she die or did they divorce? I can’t remember if that was ever said.

 

There definitely is growing tension between Jack and Locke. It will be interesting to see how that plays out.

 

Kate: Dang, woman. Now, that Sawyer is out to sea, you are mackin’ hard on Jack! What kind of wrench will airport chick throw into your triangle?

 

Just kidding.  Kate is my girl, and I did like that how she looked after Locke.

 

Locke: Locke is my favorite character, but he was kinda acting like a jerk in this episode. He blatantly ignored Hurley’s warnings. I have to agree that he was more concerned about finding out what was in the hatch than he was about finding shelter for the group.

 

Hurley: Hurley never fails to crack me up. I loved his scenes with Locke and Jack! He doesn’t mince words.

 

Shannon and Walt: Personally, I think Shannon is the most useless character in this story. Nothing personal against Maggie Grace, but I wished they had killed her character off instead of Ian Somerhalder’s.

 

Anyway, it was nice that she went after Vincent. Now, did she really see Walt or was she hallucinating?

 

Sayid, Charlie, Claire, and Sun: Not much to say about these characters. They didn’t do much this week.

 

Michael, Sawyer, and Jin: J.J., you are cold. We go all summer wondering what happened to the people on the raft, and they barely get a mention in the season premiere???  Dude, your beside manner sucks.

 

Desmond and the Hatch: The opening sequence with Desmond and the Hatch totally disoriented me. I thought it was a flashback of Locke with the ancient computer and the turntable. So what is Desmond’s deal? How long has he been on the island, and how did he get to the island anyway? What did he mean by saying he was training for a race around the world? How long ago did he meet Jack?

 

There are rumors flying on the ‘Net that cloning might be involved. So maybe the guy that Jack met in the stadium and the guy in the hatch are not really the same person. Doubt it, though.

 

The hatch door was also marked “Quarantine.” I think the French woman mentioned something about her companions getting sick. Is Desmond the cause of the virus? Are Locke, Jack, and Kate infected now?

 

The numbers: Well, the numbers have made their return. Hurley saw them before Locke blew the hatch. The numbers were also written on the bottle of medicine that Desmond injected. The SUV driver died at 8:15 (two of the numbers). Did I miss anything?

 

Episode 2.2 teaser:  We will finally learn the fate of all the survivors! It’s about time!

 

 

Sorry, for the delay in Part 2 of my Dell story. I worked until 9 last night, so when I got home the last thing I wanted to do was sit in front of a computer! Instead I vegged out in front of the Tivo catching up on some of the new shows I had recorded.

 

I've decided to give the sitcom another try, so I've been watching two new shows on CBS: "How I Met Your Mother" and "Out of Practice." I like the premise of the first show. It starts off in the year 2030, with this guy explaining to his kids...well, how he met their mother! In the first episode, he falls head over heels for some girl and recounts all the stupid things he does to impress her. He ends the episode telling his kids, "And that's how I met your Aunt Robin." So that's the show's gimmick. This guy will keep meeting women that are not his kids' mother until the show gets cancelled. I honestly don't see this show lasting more than one season, but at least it has Neil Patrick Harris ("Doogie Howser") in it.

 

"Out of Practice" looked much more promising because it's got The Fonz and Rizzo (Henry Winkler and Stockard Channing) and was written by Christopher Lloyd. This show centers around the younger son of family in which his parents and siblings are all medical doctors. He is a marriage counselor...whose wife happens to leave him in the first episode. This show was so disappointing. Henry Winkler and Stockard Channing are great, but the actors playing their children are just kinda blah. And, I expected a much funnier script from Christopher Lloyd. I give this show two seasons max. (Just because it is between Two and Half Men and CSI: Miami and will probably pick up more viewers once football season is over).

 

On the bright side, Lost is on again tonight. I need to re-watch last week's episode before I post my review. (I was half asleep when I first watched it and missed a lot of stuff).

            I love my computer. Aside from my house and my car, it is my most cherished possession. (My doggies don’t count because they are my companions, not my possessions.)

            Anyway, my computer is a Dell Dimension 8250 workstation. It’s got a Pentium 4, 2.8 GHz processor, 512 MB RAM, a 60GB hard drive, and a GeForce MX420 64MB video card. It’s really state of the art.

            At least it was state of the art back in 2003. Now, AMD has surpassed the P4, and decent computers have 1 GB RAM and at least an 80GB hard drive.

            So, my computer is lacking, but I never considered it inadequate until The Sims 2: Nightlife came along. My computer played The Sims 2 and The Sims 2: University fine even though I could not access some of the higher graphics options. The only real drawback was the number of NPCs (non-playable characters) on community lots.

            For the Sim-illiterate, the game generates non-playable characters to walk by a Sim’s house or hang out on community lots…to give the player a more “community” feeling. The number of NPCs generated is determined by the computer’s specs. For my little Dell, that meant I could have a whopping two NPCs wander around the community lots. Before Nightlife, this really didn’t bother me because I rarely played the community lots anyway. There just wasn’t anything interesting for the Sims to do on them.

            But Nightlife has changed that. Nightlife introduced a Downtown with restaurants, bowling alleys, night clubs, museums, and parks. A Downtown with only two NPCs really can’t be described as “bustling,” now can it?

            Time for an upgrade!

            My first thought was to upgrade the RAM to 1 GB. RAM is a lot cheaper these days and putting it in the computer is literally a snap. It should have been simple, right?

            WRONG!

            Apparently, since I have a super-class workstation, it takes “special” RAM. It’s called RAMBUS, and I don’t know enough about it to describe it justly. All I know is that it’s expensive, $700 to be exact.

            So, I said “Screw dat!”

            I can live with 512 MB. All I really need to do is upgrade the video card anyway, right?

            So, I went on the hunt and found the GeForce 6600. It had 256MB RAM which was plenty to play my little Simmies. I took the card home and installed it with no problems. I played The Sims 2: Nightlife in all its graphical glory for a week.

            Then, I shutdown the computer.

            Big mistake.

            Big, BIG mistake.

            When I turned my computer on the next morning, I got a lovely message: “Hard disk 0 not found. Hard disk 1 not found.”

            I nearly had a heart attack. Fearing that my hard drive had crashed, I did the only thing any good computer user would do.

            I rebooted the computer I in denial.

            This time the operating system came up, and I let out of sigh of relief.

            Ten seconds later, the screen went black.

            Though this wasn’t good, at least I knew my hard drive hadn’t crashed. The problem had to be the new video card. I looked through the video card’s manual and figured out what the problem was.

            The video card required at least a 350-watt power supply. My computer had only a 200-watt power supply. I needed MORE POWER (can’t you just hear Tim Allen grunting?).

            Okay, I thought, no problem. I’ll just take it to a computer store and buy a stronger power supply. It would be simple, right?

            (You ought to know how this story is going to go by now).

            I took it to Best Buy and heard those five dirty little words that no computer owner wants to hear, “That part is not standard.”        

I had two options. I could either revert to my old video card or try to find a “special” power supply.

Which option did I choose? Find out tomorrow…

Okay, I seem to be averaging only 1 or 2 blog entries a month. Not good. Can I blame it on the Sims 2: Nightlife?

 

I will have to post a review of that soon...and a review of the "Lost" season premiere...and discuss Hurricanes Katrina and Rita...and...  ok, so I'm way behind. 

 

Stay tuned. 

 

Meanwhile, enjoy Cameron's blog.

August is almost over, and I haven't posted a single entry this month. Things have been busy on my end. I hope to catch up soon. Since my last post, I found out what caused my Sim bug and how to work around it. More info about that in an upcoming blog.

 

I've also been working through some questions in Neil Clark Warren's "Date or Soul Mate?" book. He lists twenty questions you should answer to help you understand yourself better. For example, "What do you want your friends to say about you when you die?" I'll share some of those answers in upcoming blogs too.

 

Anywayz...

 

This weekend my parents celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary. (I'll scan in their wedding pic later). Congrats, Mom and Dad!