Temesha's Blog

Warning: You are about to to witness a rant from a frustrated bride. Take cover...and find some chocolate.

I know my family and friends mean well when they make suggestions to me about the wedding, but I'm tired of people commenting about money. They ask if I know how expensive weddings are. I'm the bride. No one knows better than I do how expensive weddings are.

I found a matching flower girl basket and ring bearer pillow set that I just adored. When I told my aunt about it, she said, "I could have made that." That basket and pillow were such a milestone to me because they were my first purchase for the wedding, and I was so excited because my dreams were finally coming true. Why couldn't she just be happy for me?

I've been going back and forth with my in-laws-to-be over the reception. Yesterday, I was having Mother's Day lunch with my fiance and his parents, and his dad starts lecturing us about the wedding. I want a sit-down dinner in a nice reception hall. They think we should have cake and punch in the church fellowship hall and let friends and family take pictures instead of hiring a professional photographer. In short, Danny's dad thinks we should be frugal.

Frugal? This is my wedding we're talking about. This is not just some party. This is not some church function. It's my wedding. The day that I marry the man I love. This is the day I've longed for and prayed for since I was a little girl. This is the day that I thought would never come. It's the only wedding I ever plan on having. I have dreams for my wedding that I'm not going to sacrifice for frugality's sake.

If I hear the word frugal one more time, I'm going to scream.

More importantly, I'M THE ONE PAYING FOR IT! Please do not tell me how to spend my own money. Don't tell me to buy a white dress off the rack and wear that as my wedding dress. Don't tell me to hire the church orchestra to play for the reception. Don't tell me to have a potluck reception. Don't tell me that Hawaii is an expensive place to honeymoon.

Don't tell me because I already know.

I'd love to have my reception at the Renaissance Hotel, but I can't afford it. I'd love for Keith Cephus to be my photographer, but he's way out of my budget. I'm seriously considering going with silk flowers instead of real flowers because I can save money there.

Everytime you tell me how expensive something is, you remind me of the parts of my dream that I can't fulfill because I can't afford them. Don't deny me the parts of my dream that I can afford.

So, the next time I show you something I've bought for the wedding, do me one favor. Smile and say, "Ooh, they're so pretty." Even if you think it's the ugliest darn thing you've seen in your life.

I think there are some things that are still sacred. There are some things that just need to stay private. In this age of cell phones, people can reach you literally anywhere. I think people have failed to see that a cell phone is a convenience, not an obligation. There are times when it's not prudent to answer the phone. To paraphase, "Sometimes we do need to fail to communicate. Some people should not be reached."

 

I'm talking about the bathroom. Why, oh, why do people answer the phone when they're in the john? I've noticed this at my office. On several occasions, people will either answer the phone in the bathroom or initiate a phone conversation while they're using the facilities.

 

That's just nasty. The person on the other end of the line does not need to know that you are taking care of your business. And it's not like you can hide it. Some cell phone microphones are very powerful.

 

It is also awkward for me as a fellow bathroom patron. If I flush, then your conversation partner will automatically know where you are. In addition, if you are having a heated discussion, I'm a captive audience and can't help but overhear it. Again, it's awkward coming out of the stall after I heard you rip your best friend's boyfriend to shreds or complain about your husband not helping with housework. Am I supposed to console you because you just found out a friend has been killed in the line of duty?

 

Moreover, I'd like to handle my business in peace and privacy. I feel violated when you bring an outsider into the situation.

 

Please, I beg you, turn off the cell phone when you go potty. That's why God invented voice mail.

On Sunday morning, I played with my church's woodwind ensemble during the Fellowship breakfast. The wife of our saxophone player took pictures of us. On Monday, I saw the photos. One of the photos was a full body shot of me. As I held the picture in my hand, tears welled up in my eyes. I had no idea I was that large. I looked like a blob. How on earth could my boyfriend be attracted to me when I looked like that?

 

I know my weight, and I know it's a big number, but still I don't see myself as being a big person. I think I have the opposite of anorexia. Anorexics can weigh 99 lbs and look in the mirror and see a 200 lb person. I am well over 200 lbs, but I see myself as smaller. However, that picture is evidence that I can't live in denial anymore. I am big, and I have to lose this extra weight.

 

My eyes are tearing up now as I write this because the truth is I hate that person in the picture. The camera did lie because that's not the real Temesha. Not inside. That's a Temesha that let herself go on the outside because of disappointments and heartbreaks.

 

I don't want to be that Temesha in the picture anymore. 

 

And yet, I still struggle with my weight loss. I only loss .4 this week. I am glad it is a .4 loss and not a .4 gain, but I feel like I wasted an opportunity. I would like to see at least a 1 lb loss each week, ideally 2 lbs. I know what I did wrong. I didn't track my points carefully and probably over indulged at a couple of Christmas parties. Also, I was battling a cold this week and didn't exercise as much as I should have.

 

As much as I hate that picture, as much as I want to cry, scream, stomp, and rip it up, I'm going to keep it.

 

In Weight Watchers this week, we talked about anchors. They are images, charms, or symbols that remind us of why we are losing weight. That picture is going to be an anchor for me. It will fuel me to keep going when I feel weak. Because the real Temesha is somewhere inside of that woman in the picture, and it's time for her to shine through. 

I had my first weigh-in at Weight Watchers today. I lost 2.4 lbs!

 

It felt good to see a loss, but I also had a NSV (non-scale victory). Last Monday, I tried on the cocktail dress that I bought to wear to a wedding at the end of this month. I could get it on, but I couldn't zip it up. On Sunday night, my boyfriend called me up to invite me to his company's Christmas party. I scrambled to find something to wear, and on a whim, I decided to try the dress again. I was able to zip it this time! It's still tight in the stomach area, but I got it on. By the wedding, it should fit even better.

 

Now the fun part. Here are my updated stats:

 

 

Once again, I have decided to embark on the journey to lose my excess weight. I've battled my weight for most of my life, but I am finally ready to be free of this problem for once and for all. I hope by blogging my experience and being very candid about my weight and my struggles, it will motivate me to stay on this path. And, if losing weight has been difficult for you, I pray reading my blog will inspire you as well.

 

I will be tracking my weight, measurements, body fat percentage, BMI, and dress size. I will report on my weight weekly and my dimensions monthly. But most importantly, I'll be reporting on changes I've experienced in my thinking because I believe you've got to win the weight loss battle in your head first.

 

So, first of all, why do I want to lose weight? Well, I'm sick of being fat. Yeah, fat. Do you know how hard it is to admit to myself that I'm fat? I can handle words like plus-sized, full-figured, queen size, and my personal favorite, voluptuous. But fat is an ugly word. It hurts me as much as the n-word and the c-word. I remember crossing the street in Seattle a few years ago. A little boy behind me kept saying, "Hurry up, fat lady." I wanted to break down and cry when I realized he was talking about me. If he said it, it must true. Little kids like that always speak the truth. That was a turning point for me. I couldn't hide behind denial anymore. I am fat, and I have to change.

 

My biggest motivator for losing weight is that I don't want to contract diabetes. My grandmother was on dialysis and died because of diabetes, and my mom has had massive strokes and suffered two stillbirths because of diabetes. Diabetes ain't happening here! The best way to deal with diabetes is to prevent it from happening, and the best way to do that is diet and exercise. On another health note, my mom has also had breast cancer (poor Mom!), and reducing my weight will also reduce the risk of me getting it. Of course, I am also constantly praying that God will protect me from diabetes and breast cancer, but I realize I need to do my part too.

 

Another related reason for losing weight is simply that I want to live a long time. I'm hoping to still be alive when Jesus comes back, so I need to get the weight off to ensure longevity.

 

I also want to have more energy. At 32, I'm still relatively young, but I am not very active. I know women in their 50's and even 90's that have more energy than I do. Some of the older ladies at my church just got back from a mission trip to Chile. I honestly don't know if I have the physical endurance to sustain such a trip.

 

Finally, I want to lose weight because I have a wonderful man that I'm hoping to spend the rest of my life with. Allow me to be purely vain for a minute, but I want to be a beautiful bride! I want the audience to gasp at my beauty when I walk down the aisle. I want to see awe and pride in my husband-to-be's eyes. It's my day. I'm the center of attention, so I don't want to wear a plus-size wedding gown, and I don't want my bridesmaids upstaging me in their slimmer gowns. Also, my boyfriend and I are thinking about going to Hawaii for our honeymoon, and I want to look good in my bathing suit. Lastly, when we have children, I want to have the energy to keep up with them.

 

I've experienced a lot of ups and downs (weight and all!) over the last five years, but I can say my life is good right now. The only negative thing is my weight, but the good news is that it is completely within my control to change it.

 

So now's the moment of truth. Here are my stats and my goals: